Spring Shedding

It's not easy discussing your in-securities in a blog.  Oh, we all have them.   Alas, it is a part of who we are, we don't usually share them with the world.  When I was young, school age, I believe I was very shy.  I remember being afraid of my teachers, trying to hide in the classroom.  Fearing that I wouldn't know the answer when called upon.  I tend to panic when put on the spot.  That is still a problem today.  I have learned to just laugh at myself.   Admitting  that I don't know the answer or that I have serious trouble keeping the drum beat when playing my Native American style flute.  It makes my life easier.  Maybe I am overcoming some insecurities, maybe not.

Don't even ask me give a speech to a crowd, I don't seem to have a talent to memorize things.  I panic when I see people looking and waiting for me to begin, anything I might have remembered has escaped.  Taking tests in school was very difficult.   I could have notes about the speech and wouldn't be able to read them.  Something happens to my eyes, they blur, the words run together.  Is this normal?

Interestingly enough, I can talk to a group.  The things I talk about are things I am comfortable with, I could talk gourds all day if you were interested.   Oh, did I mention I love everything about the Native American Flute and could share and encourage anyone to try it.  And horses, oh I so love talking about horses and the thrills of racing down some wooded trail!  Someone who hears me talking about these things would never guess about the terrors I harbor.

I think some of my insecurities come from my need to just be casual.  I am not a formal kind of girl.  I don't often dress up, I don't need pretty clothes to create artwork or live on a farm.  I hate to shop and never seem to have anything to wear.  I am happy in black pants, probably a black shirt and comfortable shoes.  I am trying to stay invisible.  Now spring is coming and I fear I cannot wear black all summer.  I must think about short sleeve shirts and sandals.  I'm in a panic, I have to shed my old winter clothes for something lighter. I'm feeling exposed and insecure again.  I think of myself as a snake shedding my old skin.  I wonder if snakes fear this transformation too.....

Photo:  Me riding a pony at the fair, all dressed up!  5yrs. old.   LOL