Medicare!!!!!!!!!!

I have reached the age of Medicare.  

It is rather traumatic, it comes with certain images of an older person.  My mind has protected me from believing that I would ever be an person that was that old.  When did it happen?  Did I fall asleep and dream this age, how could have all these years gone by without me noticing?

Oh, I admit, my body has shown me the reality of my life, my knees are new, my eyes have had cataracts repaired, my hair is getting grey and I have distinct wrinkles on my face.  All of these things still did not prepare me for getting my Medicare card.  I was shocked, felt a weight in the pit of my stomach and put the card on the bottom of a pile of things to worry about later.  It didn't go away.  My 65th Birthday has come and gone.

Cynthia DeRemer McDonald, the uncut version,
no makeup, grey hair and a smile
of happiness.

I need to change the way I am thinking about all of this, I need to turn this into a positive thing or I will sit in a rocking chair and just get older.  Today I will share the most wonderful things living this life, of 65 years, has blessed me with.

I grew up in a time of innocence, two party phone lines, bicycles were horses, I lived in the country and loved being outside.  I had animals to teach me responsibility, I grew up with a brother and sister as my playmates, I went to a small school and came from a class of 55 graduating seniors.  I learned that if I did something wrong there were consequences, I was spanked when I was young and grounded as a teen.  I learned to respect elders and listen to adults even if I didn't agree.

I loved my donkey and horse above all, had a really hard time sharing them as they were suppose to be for all the kids in the family.  I learned to drive a stick shift Dodge Dart, white with red interior.  I loved playing hide an seek with the neighbor kids after dark in the summer.  I loved the smell of dairy cows, fresh cut hay and corn tasseling in August.  I loved skating on the pond in winter, being pulled on a sled when it snowed behind a jeep on country roads and I remember cutting wood for our wood furnace.  

I love my friends from high school and am thrilled we are all still in contact today.  I loved being in 4-H for thirteen years, it is where I met my wonderful husband.  I loved 4-H camp every summer and the county fair.  This was my social life growing up!

I fell in love and married the most wonderful man in the world and we have spent 45 years being married this June.  We had three wonderful children and now six wonderful grandchildren.  I believe that while raising children my life started picking up speed.  Meanwhile I continued to ride horses, that obsession never changed or wavered.

I was a stay at home mom until the children were older, then worked awhile here or there, never really knowing what it was I wanted to be when I grew up.  All the while I was growing up, I was gathering knowledge and hoarding it away until at the age of fifty, I decided I wanted to become an "Artist".   I began to put all my knowledge into creating gourd art and taking my art to shows around Ohio and Indiana.

Because of gourds and my desire to sell to the world and a little stumble in my path, I became immersed in the culture of the indigenous American people.  My life changed again, I began to play the Native American flute.  That single event exploded with the journey of new friends and learning and following the red road. 

The latest journey has been finding my birth father and his second family.  My fathers passing has left a deep loss in my soul and the blessing was finding my DeRemer family and connecting the circle of my life and my family history.  Their love and acceptance has been an overwhelming experience.

My adventuresome life has continued, I have no horses to ride now, but we do have the most wonderful Harley Trike Motorcycle.  The need to travel and explore has never left me, my age has never taken that away, I am loving life to the fullest and feel very blessed!

So I guess when I finally got to the end of this page and know today I am sixty five, I have lived a life of learning, adventures, gratitude, and most of all love.  It isn't so bad being this age, I do everything I want to do, I live each moment with gratitude and I remain open to the next wonderful thing to come my way!  

The Ghost Boxers..........

The Ghost Boxers

They come into the same arena,
the one that always unites them. 
They are very familiar with one another, 
and yet know nothing of who each other really is.
They are family by blood, 
strangers in the ring,
ghosts to one another.

The ghost boxers have been at it for 
twenty years, one superior to the other.
Is it because of age and knowledge or
because the less superior one feels
obedience and respect to the older boxer and
becomes the lesser opponent by default?

In the beginning it was hurtful, the
words that bruised the lesser opponent, 
leaving scars to last a lifetime.
The longer the boxing goes on, the more
blurred the reason for the battle.
Who did this, who said that, selective hearing and 
reading between the lines.

Now, time has passed and the ghost boxers have met again,
this time they hardly recognize one another.
Both older, both wiser, they circle the ring.
Avoidance is their dance of choice now.
The hate has taken its tole, the old and superior one
seems small and fragile.  
The less superior has grown a spirit that is strong
and steady and is ready to leave the fighting behind.

There is no going back, there is no salve to repair the
years of scars.  The superior one only dwells in the past,
the less superior sees only the future.
There is no middle ground.

Nothing has changed, they circle the ring, a dance
of ghost boxers ready to duck and step away from
the punches.
Neither are winners, 
Both are losers.

No sorrow, no apology, no effort to make amends, 
the battle has come to a draw.
All they really have now is how they wished it could have been. 


Cynthia DeRemer McDonald, 2013

The Notebooks

I love to write things down, writing gives me a way to organize my thoughts, helps me to remember an experience, a feeling and often it is my way to truly express my heartfelt thoughts. 

So I started purchasing steno pads, they are easy to carry around, I can take out a page if I've changed my mind, I can make a grocery list, write a poem, "practice" a letter I want to send to someone special, record a dream or even to monitor my Bluebird boxes.

I try keeping one at the computer, jotting down something important, a recipe, or vital information about our families history from Ancestry.com, a quote, an address I don't want to forget or even a phone number.  The problem comes when I take it to the other room to transfer the information into my address book or the kitchen to try the recipe.  

The one I use for Bluebird monitoring goes with me in the field, where I record what is happening in each of the twenty something boxes once a week.   I often find myself also taking notes about weather, butterflies, flowers blooming or crops in the field, or I might be inspired to write a poem.

I have a notebook for dreams, I am amazed at the dreams I have had and nearly forgotten, until I read it in this little steno pad.  I take it to share with my wonderful hubby and it gets mixed up with another notebook that belongs by the computer.  Now I have dreams written in the notebook with quotes and recipes from beside the computer.

I also do travel journals, in these notebooks.  I can go back to the first trip I took to Texas and read the heart wrenching account of my experience there, the family I met for the first time in my entire life.  Then I will have some poetry related to that visit.  A couple years later will be another account of a trip we took to Texas and rode motorcycles.  Then suddenly in this notebook there is my sales made at an art show...........  seriously?    

Now I am going through these notebook, looking for my information on art sales because I must report my Ohio Sales Tax!   It's like looking for a needle in a haystack and I only did three shows this year!  Not only that, I find myself lost in my writings, crying, laughing and remembering special times, special people and wishing I was more organized.

My real question today is, "Do I just start fresh with brand new notebooks?"  or  "do I continue in my old notebooks, filling in the blank pages with my random, meandering thoughts and ideas?"  I always want to be organized and it seems to always elude me.

It's Summer Now, Because...........

Last weekend was Memorial Day Weekend.  My wonderful hubby and I took off on our Harley Blue and traveled to the Cleveland area to visit friends.  We decided also to go into Amish country and stay the night after our visit with friends.  It was so much fun, checking out different countryside, the sun was shining but it was still on the cool side, the further north we went the cooler it became.  We were prepared, I could plug in my windbreaker anytime I wanted to get warm and wonderful hubby had his leather chaps and coat.  

My mind tends to think of things while riding, I wish I could immediately write down some of my thoughts.  My thoughts are as fleeting as the wind that rushes past as we travel down the two lane roads of Ohio sometimes.  I have written numerous blogs in my mind, only to lose them in the wind.

This one stayed with me the entire weekend, because I kept being reminded of things I remember growing up, things that seemed to have been forgotten and suddenly remembered because of a scent, a glimpse or a sound and it all comes flooding back.

IT'S SUMMER NOW, because..............

It is Memorial Day, or Decoration Day as I remember calling it while growing up.
           A time to honor our Veterans who were buried in cemeteries across the country, who served        to keep us free.

American Flags fly from houses, streetlamps, flagpoles and they decorate cemeteries.

Cemeteries are visited and the flowers brighten the landscape of headstones.

Parades are held in every small town, holding up traffic because the town streets are closed.

Firetrucks, bands and Honor Guards march and people line the streets to watch, waving their own hand held flags.

Children are on bicycles, some are even decorated.

Swimming pools are opened and chlorine is in the air.

Campgrounds are full of tents and RV's.

Lawn chairs circle the campfires with friendships and families being renewed by a long weekend.
          I love the smells of campfires, bringing with it many of my own memories of camping,
          friends, family and horses.............

Lawns full of cars and grills fired up, wonderful scents of cooking out are in the air.

Yards being mowed and hayfields needing to be cut.  

Hay that had been mowed, the fragrance is the best summer smell in the world.


Flowers blooming, Peonies and Iris are always my reminder of Memorial Day.

Big old houses, with lace window dressings and big front porches and Boston Ferns, with wicker chairs waiting, anyone for ice tea or homemade ice cream?

Tank tops, shorts and flip flops.....  

Coppertone sun lotion (they call it sunscreen today)

Windows are open, curtains dancing in the breeze.....

Birds singing, frogs croaking and Harley's rumbling......

Yes, it is summer now................... 

Instant Gratification

foggy morning.... 

This morning we awoke to a foggy world, being able to only see as far as our barn yard is strange. It isn't too bothersome, as we could see and had hope of sunshine trying to peek through the clouds.  Sometimes a heavy fog like this cushions you from the real world.  Sounds are muffled, waking up takes longer and it is nice to be in this space of insulation and isolation, knowing full well it won't last too long.  

{{{I love when I've been sleeping in the tipi and wake up to a foggy morning.  You feel like you might still be dreaming.  Am I walking among the spirits of my ancestors, visiting them or maybe they are visiting me.  Do I hear their quiet messages of peace and feel their arms comfort from the surrounding clouds of fog.  A peace falls on our world when foggy mornings come.........}}}




My original idea for this blog for "Instant Gratification" had nothing to do with that last paragraph, but it just popped into my mind and I felt I had to leave it, now I will go back to my original concept for this blog........


"Instant Gratification" comes from having the second cataract surgery.  I have been living in a fog for sometime.  Being only able to see a certain distance, the birds I love to watch were a blur of color and movement, I was only able to see their movement and not details of each bird.  Oh, I could see well enough to move through my familiar world, but the outside world was more difficult. Driving and trying to read road signs, focus from one direction to another was slower.  I started not liking to drive at night, doing detail work on art was hard without some magnification.  Colors were without brightness.  Windows on our house seemed to always be dirty.  My wonderful husband was constantly turning lights off behind me.

spring flower bed.....

I knew after cataract surgery on my right eye, as soon as the patch came off the same day as surgery, my world had changed.  I didn't realize it was causing problems with judging distance, depth perception, focus and color and light.  UNTIL I had surgery and a lens put onto my eye.   Then two weeks later the left eye was also done!  Again the same day I have the 

local Bald Eagle Nest 2013

ability to focus totally on anything I choose to look at!!!!   Suddenly there was no more fog in my eyes.  I could see colors, distance and faces, insects, a turned leaf and birds again.....  It was
immediate!  Now that is truly
         INSTANT GRATIFICATION!

"I Spy".........

I think I'm normal, although there has been some talk from the children that could cause me to question, "what is normal?".

Some new Bluebird boxes
2013

This morning I'm enjoying my coffee at the back of the house, watching birds is a great form of entertainment from this vantage point.  I watch the garden whirly-gigs spin in the wind.  The sun is shinning and I'm trying to decide how to spend my day.

I have fourteen more bluebird boxes to put around the old horse pasture, finding enough fence posts without purchasing more is a challenge.  The sun is shining and the wind in my face would feel really good today.  I have been missing the fresh air and sunshine.  It is still January so I should take advantage of the day.

As I ponder the possibilities and watch the birds, I'm a little distracted by the blue bottles that sit on my window sills.  Blue IS my favorite color after all.  These bottles are so pretty with the light coming through them, it is my stain glass window.  I took a photo, because it looked so nice and upon looking at the picture I realize my window looks like a picture in an "I SPY" book.   I have often thought of setting up photo groupings and then playing "I spy" with my own groupings.  I think that would be fun to do with my grand kids. 

Stain Glass Window
(or I SPY Photo)

So........  this little photo started me thinking of groupings, a blog and maybe even creating my own little I spy book and printing it out in photobook on line........  OMG!  It would be the perfect way to have a photo record of the stuff I've collected.

Oh no.........  I may not get to the bluebird boxes today, my ideas are now swimming around in my head, making me a little dizzy............
Now you know why my children give me a hard time about my state of "normal".

I Live With Santa

My wonderful hubby looks like Santa.  He has the most beautiful white beard and moustache.  When he puts on a Santa hat, everyone comments.  Being a man with an easy smile and a true gift of gab, he will certainly visit with you if just say "hello".

We have often been places that little children point and try to alert their parents that Santa is eating at the table nearby.  I have been witness to waitresses flirting and people smile when he walks past them.  He has the most fun wearing his Santa hat and driving his old model A Ford Truck and going through Tim Horton's drive through.  I wonder though, is he playing a part or have I watched waaaay too many Christmas Hallmark movies!!!!

As I look back on the years, I have to wonder exactly what he does with all his time since retirement.  He might actually have a workshop in our other barn.  I have never really snooped through that barn, it's usually too messy.  And yet, I remember how shocked he was one day when I just "happened" to open the doors while he was in there working.  Nothing looked especially different......, but then I didn't check the "back room".

Now I am seriously wondering about his trip to Florida in December for the last three years.  He is supposedly "helping a friend drive to Florida".  He then spends the next ten days doing exactly what?   I don't really know.  He tells me that he is getting a little R&R, relaxing at the pool, going to a car show, kayaking in the gulf, checking out the Harley shops and enjoying time with his friend.  I have to wonder about all of this, there are no pictures, no real evidence to prove he is in Florida!!!!

Meanwhile, I am at home.  Taking care of elderly dogs, Christmas shopping, wrapping gifts, planning Christmas dinner with the kids, checking and re-checking my lists, making sure packages are mailed to far off places, creating and writing Christmas cards and even trying not to make a mess of the house!!!  And  I ask, who is the real Santa?????

Mr. Claus is due back from his ten day trip today.  I am rushing around, picking up the house, chasing porch cushions that blew away last night from the mighty winter wind, running snacks to Village Artisans open house this evening, bring in the trash cans from the curb, trying to finish the last minute handmade gifts in the studio and all before I have to pick him up at the airport this afternoon. 

I hope he is well rested for his journey on Christmas Eve.  I'm not quite sure how he does that, he is always snoring away when I finally finish the morning homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast and climb into bed.   I might just keep an eye open this year and make sure he isn't secretly leaving after I've fallen asleep.  Oh heck, who cares, I'm worn out and need my sleep............

Merry Christmas friends!  Remember it isn't the gifts, it's family near and far and the love they share every day.  Blessings and Joy and Love to you all!

Sitting At The Laundromat

Having just returned home from a ten day vacation from Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas, it became clear that I would have to do laundry immediately.  I also found that our washer is not properly working and waiting on it to be fixed immediately was only a dream.  The washer was going to need new parts.

So I decided to go to the laundromat.  I haven't been to a laundromat in twenty years and only then because the kids were in 4-H and needed jeans washed and returned to them for the next event or show that called for clean clothes.

Nothing much has changed in those twenty years.  I find myself there with others my age, wearing sweat pants and a baggy sweatshirt because all the clothes needed washed.  Glamor shots at the laundromat are not taken here!

I started my line of washing machines, six washers all together, the tubs aren't as big as my washer at home.  I add the detergent and the quarters and looked for a chair to wait.  There are no chairs, so I go to the car and get my folding chair, left in the car from the last pow wow and bring it inside.

As I sit and wait 25 minutes for the washers to run, I have time to observe my surroundings.  People watching is always a great way to spend time.  These are the things I found amusing............

..... Children find laundry carts on wheels to be the most fun.  No matter how many times their grandma threatens them.

..... Men seem totally out of place in a laundromat.

..... People can't really hear the TV because of all the noise from the washers and dryers and children squabbling.

..... Magazines are tattered and torn, unreadable and outdated.

..... No one seems to be any happier than I am to be there!

..... NO ONE here is interested in the OSU/Michigan game on TV.

..... Wondering if I should be wearing a watch to see if the dryer times are what I'm actually paying for, they seem somewhat off!

..... Kids think the empty laundry baskets turned upside down make great drums!
(my kind of kids, wondering if they are connecting their heartbeat to that of the Mother Earth when they drum........)

..... "MOMMA?"  "WHERE ARE YOU?"  (I pray she didn't leave!!!)

..... It's somewhat embarrassing to fold your unmentionables in front of strangers.

..... Rule #1, Don't drop clean clothes on the laundromat floor.

..... Rule #2,  don't bring your leftover turkey sandwich with you to eat for lunch.   Those of us who are hungry might just throw you in a large dryer and consume your lunch for you!

..... Leaving the laundromat is the best thing in the world!  Ten days of laundry done in 1 1/2 hours!!!!

 

Reflections

Today is the first day of fall, 2012.  Another season has passed and a new one begins as we move around the circle of seasons.  Even this day is uncertain of what it wants to be.  Clouds come and go, the sun is out from behind those clouds and lights the day with the promise of warmth and a little summer.  And yet, there is a chill in the air at the same time. 

The trees are showing color and I am eager to see more of the patchwork quilt of color when I look towards the wooded forests.  The birds are quieter, days of seeing the hummingbirds from the porch will soon be gone.  The wrens that chattered endlessly this summer are no longer heard.  Large groups of birds are gathering and migration has begin. 

I am often a little melancholy with changes, it can happen with seasons, birthdays, or even a change in what I once perceived about truth, faith, love or friendships.  It happens when I hurt from the loss of a person or animal that shared time in my life. 

My solution is to get back to nature.  Go outside, inhale the fresh crisp air, feel the last rays of sun on my shoulders.  Play my flute with prayers that the next season will be gentle and healing.  And as much as I long for solitude, I must find people to spend time with.  Sharing the energy with others is powerful and good for the soul too.

Being creative during my most melancholy times is often an outlet.  Last year I wrote poems, I have never written poetry before.  From the end of spring into the summer, everything was a poem.  Then I became more content and settled with life and it all stopped.  I have only written on poem this year.  It came during another change in my life.  It woke me up in the middle of sleep and the words came out and had to be recorded. 

      Oh what must he think I am thinking......
          As we travel down this dark country road,
              My eyes are closed, my face to the wind and
                     My arms are outstretched in the darkness.
     Oh what must he think I am thinking......
            I am think I have learned to fly again.

This came one night we were coming home on our Harley Davidson Trike.  This was a change in our lives that no one saw coming.  Not even my wonderful husband or I.  It happened when I rode a Harley with my brother in Texas.  I found that it was like riding horses, something I spent most of my life enjoying.   The horses are gone now, that change that was very difficult for me.  They too were a part of my poetry last year. 

Coming home and talking to my wonderful husband we decided to go on a test drive.  The rest is history.........  We have spent time together, stealing away on a summer afternoon, headed to some wooded forest to feel the cool breeze in our faces.  We have found another tribe of friends that also ride bikes.  It has become a passion.  I find myself a little unsettled if we haven't been out for a few days.  I used to get that same feeling if I hadn't ridden horses for awhile.

Funny, my highs and lows are so extreme, no easy way for me to get through this world, no middle road.  I have felt these extremes all my life, why would it change now?  So here I am, the day of the equinox, reflecting on changes, yet again.

Summers End

Summers end has come, a bittersweet time........... 

It has been a hard summer, drought has cracked the earth, crops and gardens dry from lack of rain.  Flowers blooms were brief, if at all.  We longed for rain, prayed for rain and listened to weather forecasters predict rain and still it didn't come.

It took Hurricane Issac to change our weather pattern and at last some rain has come to our little place on the map in southwest Ohio.  As I write this the sky is heavy and grey, I hope for more rain because we are so parched.  Although it is fall the trees are still thirsty, the ground stores are in need of filling.  Ponds and streams have shriveled in size.  Wild critters adapt by coming closer to our watered plants or bird baths.

 


Chives in bloom and honey bees are
so happy!

I have hope that the cycle has been broken, rain patterns, cooler temperatures will be more normal.  I hope all people who watch the hummingbird migration will keep their feeders out for an extended period, the flowers they depend on for their energy source may not be blooming this year, you may very well be providing their energy source to make the long trip south. 

I say thanks today for the grey, gloomy and rainy day.  Grateful for summers end and another season coming.  The circle continues and even with the hardships we have been blessed.

The Stars and Moon Aligned

Super Moon, May 5, 2012.......

Well, it seems that stars are aligned and the "super moon" is causing people to do things that they might not consider under normal conditions.  It has different effects on each of us, it becomes important when know the profound effect on us personally and go with the flow.

As the moon started rounding out and getting brighter with each night that passed this last week, I knew it was a of sign powers beyond, helping to pull us along a path.  Our little demo ride on the Harley Trike made the light shine brighter and knew we had to just go for one more test ride!

It was a last minute decision, to try the Trike out again on Wednesday night.  Ryan met us there on his bike and we went for a nice long ride in the country.  The feelings I had were ones of freedom, living the moment, drinking in the world around me and being outside in nature.   I didn't know how much I missed that feeling, it is much like riding a horse down a wooded trail.  An adventure with different perspective from riding inside a car.  No one ever told me what it felt like, no one ever expressed why they liked to ride their bikes.  Now I understand and am totally addicted!

Before our ride we walked into the Harley dealership and saw the same fellow we'd talked to the day of the demo ride.  Of course Richard knew him, he'd been in shop class when Richard was an Ag teacher.  As we chatted he said, "Did you see the "used" trike we just got in today?"  We hadn't and he took us in the showroom where it was on display.  He said the guy bought it a week ago and decided he didn't like it.  The Trike only had 44 miles on it!  We found out that Harley Trikes are in high demand and to find a used one is very rare!  And to find one that is my favorite color, blue...........  well, I knew the stars were in alignment! 

goin' for a ride...

Decisions like this are usually lingered over for awhile, the pro and cons considered.  We had talked for awhile before we ever test rode one.  We were both excited about the possibility of spending time together, sharing a common interest.  After 43 years of marriage we found hobbies and interests that keep us busy and happy, also took us in different directions.  It wasn't that we didn't come together again, we did have our family times with the children and grandchildren, we just didn't have as much together time.  Plus, it is very relaxing, Richard doesn't take time to relax very often, he always finds work that needs done.  A trike would change all of that. 

So we made the plunge and joined the world of Harley Davidson owners.  We have a "used" blue HD Trike in our barn.  Our first night out we were initiated by rain, we'll be getting some rainwear soon!   I just can't wait for Richard to come home and we can go for a ride again.  Just too much fun!!!  I love when the stars and moon are aligned and we are showered with it's blessings!

Sometimes It's Hard To Say.........

Okay, this is one of those things that is on my mind today and I feel the need to explore it.  For me writing about something is a way of my own self-discovery.  Sometimes that isn't easy, this journey of self-discovery.

I spoke with a friend this morning.  I have many friends that I share a common bond, many are women friends and there are some that are men friends.  The friendship with men is not to be taken in any way, shape or form more than a friendship or I think of them like I would a "brother".   

This friend means the world to me, I enjoy our conversations, many times our talks are fun and just catching up.  Sometimes they explore our deep feelings about the world around us and why things are the way they are.  Usually nothing is resolved, but it was talked about and shared.  We share our frustrations with things that can't be easily changed, sometimes it is about the path we choose to walk and how difficult our choice or how wonderful our choice.   He can say things in a way that cause me to explore my inner self a little and I would like to think that I in some way have helped him too.

As we were closing our conversation, that was rather deep and meaningful, I wanted to tell him how much it means to me that he listens and gives me his "take" on something.  Sometimes it's hard to say, "I love you",  I certainly don't want to be inappropriate.  So I pondered this while working in the studio today.

Why is it so difficult to tell someone you love them?  I can say it to my children and grandchildren and of course my wonderful husband.  But to say it, when your whole heart feels it and you hesitate because you are afraid of being inappropriate, it is often left unsaid. 

I have spent the last year discovering my fathers family, one that was kept from me my entire life.  My heart swells with so much emotion when I think of them, I can hardly see what I type for the tears.  These tears come for so many reasons.  The joy in finding them and being accepted by them.  The sadness for missing time with my Father, finding him and then loosing him forever.  Hurt that the time has been lost and fear that I'll never get enough, now that I have found this family.  This family that I love!  Can anyone even understand this unless they have been there and felt the same feelings? I truly love them and find it impossible not to tell them how I feel.  Afraid to leave it unsaid because so much was unsaid in my life.

My new brother and I spoke of this, last July, sitting in our fathers hospital room.  I shared that I can't recall the last time my Mother told me she loved me.  I'm sure she did, once, long ago.   And yet I haven't felt or heard it from her in a long time.  Then I find my father and will never hear it from him.  I do know when his mind cleared the last day I was at his bedside and I told him that I loved him, he knew I meant it and our eyes spoke the truth to one another with love that words would never express.  Why did I wait so long to find him, would we have been able to speak of "love" if he'd been healthy and well?  Probably not, sometimes it's hard to say, "I love you".

One thing I have learned in this last year.....  I can say "I love you".  I don't say it easily, when I say it I mean it with all my being.   My whole self realizes how important it is to share your heart.  My whole self knows this could be my last day on this earth.  Did I tell everyone who matters to me, men or women, brothers or sisters, children or even my husband that I love them?  Sometimes it's hard to say............   everyday it gets easier, "I love you!"

Good Friday

Yesterday I spent a wonderful afternoon with a friend that I haven't seen in years.  Lynn and I have known each other for nearly forty years, our story began when our husbands taught school together.

Life happened and they moved on to other places and we each had families to raise and homes to keep going.  Of course the guys would run into each other now and again and were able to keep up on farm things.  Lynn and I kept in touch through Christmas cards.  A year or so ago I found my friend on Facebook and we have been connected by the internet.

Out of the blue she calls me on our house phone a couple weeks ago.  I rarely answer the house phone, I figure if someone needs me, they know my cell phone number.  But on this day, in the middle of the afternoon, our house phone rings and something tells me to answer.  It was my friend Lynn.  I, of course, was a little surprised to hear from her and she was wondering if  I would be interested in putting some of my artwork in her little gift shop and greenhouse.  I thought is sounded like a fun idea and we got together, the four of us. 

After driving a couple hours we arrived at their beautiful country home sitting in the middle of Ohio's rich farmland.  Farmers on big tractors, pulling hugh discs were working in the fields, spring was certainly showing all signs of planting season in this flat farm country.  The guys immedately headed outside to do "farm" stuff.

Lynn and I were quickly catching up on years of family information, finding a common bond immediately.  We weren't together for thiry minutes before we discovered our other connection.  We were totally on the same page about the things many people don't talk about........  that would be the spiritual part of living on this earth.  We know that "accidents" don't just happen.  We know that things have happend that we could never have planned.  We know there are reasons and perfect timing for all things to happen, we call that Devine timing. We understand that our thoughts are the first action to bringing whatever it is we want into our lives.  We know there is a heaven above, that spirits live, angels surround us and they communicate with us on a daily basis, if we listen.  We know we have the power within ourselves to create what we want to happen.  We know that all things are connected!  We know it and shared our stories, our proof these things are true.  Our goosebump stories went back and forth for hours.  Who does this with someone they haven't seen and only shared Christmas cards with for forty years?

I don't often just put this out there for the world to see, because there are those that would tell me I am wrong or think I have an active imagination.  I have nothing to hide.  I have many stories of moments and happenings that have made me a believer in a higher power.  I have seen and experienced things that I couldn't make up, I have shared some of those "stories" in other blogs. 

Thanks Lynn for a wonderful day, I know we will be connecting soon,  there is much more we have to share with one another!  And so today, this Good Friday, 2012, I wish nothing but blessings and peace to all who come and read about my life.  It is real and amazing and I am filled with gratitude.

The Six Senses and Fairies

Only a few days ago I wrote of winter and spring, the great battle between cold and warm.  Well, yesterday and today spring is winning big time.  Your senses are filled with the wonder. 

Just a breath deep, the earth is coming alive, like a wonderful perfume the earth has a special scent in the spring.  I inhale deeply and savor the earthy scent.

Listen, the songs of the birds is more exciting. I hear joyful new songs of birds flocking back after being gone all winter.  Yesterday I heard the killdeer as I took my walk.   You know of course with each changing season the birds also change their songs.  Spring is all about courting, song and plumage change to attract their mates for the coming season. 

Look at the flowers pushing their way toward sunlight.  My daffodils are pushing through leaves of fall to become the highlight of my early spring garden.  I see Iris leaves pushing up, the colors of the ground plants are changing their dormant dark green to a newer brighter green. 

Touch the soft catkins of the pussy willows, they are just starting to reveal themselves.  I love bringing branches into the house so that spring comes inside.
Touch the ground, still cold, but no longer ice cold.  If it snows now the earth is warmer and it melts off more quickly.

The last sense, little known or acknowledged is the kinesthetic sense........  this is the unconscious sense of knowledge.  You just know something, I call this instinct.  People lived with it long before there were clocks or calendars.  I know spring is closer than normal this year.  I feel it.  Sure we may still get some winter days, but they are fewer and fewer as we move quickly through February. 

My gardens sparkle in the sunshine this morning.  I have wonderful little strings with mirrors and stain glass shards hanging from branches and hooks.  I have beautiful crystals hanging in unusual places, catching the light of the sun they change colors as they spin on their string with the slightest breeze.  I can see the fairies dancing with the sparkles of light, their magic is already working in the gardens.  They gather around the plants and cheer them on, the cover the seeds that the milkweed scattered in the fall so the Monarchs have a place to lay their eggs.  The Fairies linger in the sunshine with their bright gossamer wings, their magic is renewed and the gardens are happy, and so am I, it is spring today.......... 

The Battle Has Begun

Rabbits enjoy greens and sunshine!

Is it winter?  Is it spring?





                                                                         




Sap is moving throug the trees.

Last week I worked in the studio with the garage door open, sunlight streamed into my space, birds were singing and my little dogs lay in the sun.  I walked past a clump of snowbells that were blooming and I heard the honeybees singing as they moved from bloom to bloom.  I also noticed as I drove through a forest of old trees that the ground was beginning to show green.  All the little signs of spring around the corner.  The trees are also coming alive as the sap slowly moves from the ground upward toward the branches.

Snowbells and no snow (this day)

deer are easier to see when snow is on the ground....

Then it happened, as sunrise came it revealed the tell tale sign that winter had visited in the night.  We were reminded that it is only February.  Snow lay on the ground, covering those tender signs of spring sprouts.  At last after a very mild winter, we have some measurable snow.  It is pretty as sunlight creates sparkles on the landscape. The wind blows across the open fields, causing momentary white outs.  And as the wind picks up it shakes the all snow from the pines and the needles whistle a haunting song of winter.  The birds are eagerly at the feeder, their activity makes the trees alive with fluttering movement.  I do love watching the birds.  While most were hungry for seeds, a larger bird came calling.  A Coopers Hawk came to sit in the tree branches near our back door, hoping for his own special breakfast this day.  All the little birds sounded an alert and took cover and they waited until he left, still hungry.


hungry birds....

I linger a little longer with a cup of coffee and pull my afghan around me, my fuzzy socks peeking out and think I would like to hibernate just a little longer.  I'll wait to see who wins today, winter or spring...................

Another Season

Canvas off,  poles coming
down......

I have in the past few years started looking at the passing of time in different ways.  I rarely wear a watch, time is not important when being creative in the studio.  Oh yes, I still must be aware of appointments and what time my grand daughters are getting off the bus, I have my smartphone to keep track of this for me.  It will signal me well ahead of the appointed time and I am usually startled with the beeps and chirps when my phone suddenly brings me back to reality.

I also find that the calendar on the wall is often months behind.  I just took down a 2010 calendar that was stuck on May.  Again my smartphone has a calendar and I try to keep track of my life in this little mini computer I carry in my pocket. 

I know that the seasons come and go, I prefer to look outside in nature at the signs that changes are happening, not at a calendar, even with it's pretty pictures.  I know the way the spring colors change from bright green to a dark rich green that summer has arrived.  I know when plants begin to wilt from the heat, it is high summer and you can see fall creep into the world one colored leaf at a time.  We don't need calendars to follow the seasons, we need to be in touch with the little changes, it becomes as familiar as taking the next breath. 

November full moon.....

Fall has come and is nearly gone.  With this time of year I know that Tipi Season is over too.  The nights become clear and crisp, the winds pick up and a fire that was nice on a cool summer night is now necessary if you want to keep warm in late fall. 

The past two weeks, I have spent as many nights as possible in the tipi.  I have had wonderful company during a couple of those nights.  A time to have ceremony, play flutes, to drum, to hear songs, to enjoy laughter with friends and feel the heat from a warm fire.  Full moons, shooting stars, coyotes howling and owls hooting.  Coping with wind and adjusting flaps, door open or door closed, still it was good and fall was in the air.  One night it began to rain, I went out to adjust the tipi flaps and heard deer snorting not too far away.  What a gift to be so close to the earth and hear and feel it's life around you.

afternoon campfire

My tipi lodge had its' last campfire, a ceremony of gratitude was performed and the dogs and I had a short nap in the afternoon late, mid November.   My wonderful husband and son decided it was a good day to take down the tipi.  And so now the pasture is empty, the tipi is stored away in a dry place for the winter.  I await the signs of late spring, green grass, the end of spring storms and bright sunny days.  Then the tipi lodge will again be raised and will welcome awaiting friends around the fire once again.

Animal Messengers

my tipi lodge......



I look at animals that cross my path as messengers.

They tell me things, if I listen.  It happened again, just the other day..

Somehow, somewhere in my mind, I knew I'd find a friend waiting.

He knew I was coming too, on this beautiful day in June.

So the story begins with sunshine and cool springlike air in mid-June.

I am preparing the ground for the tipi raising, 

It will happen very soon.

I mow a slightly wandering path through my horse pasture,

the tipi will sit as far from the house as possible, on a level spot in the meadow.

This pasture is also know as the butterfly pasture, in the summer heat
it looks like a mirage of movement as they flutter around.

This spot where the tipi sits, was shown to me by an immature bald eagle, maybe

six or seven years ago.  Just after my order was placed for my eighteen foot tipi lodge.



A message of importance for sure, as he flew up from the spot where the tipi spends it summer. You see this message from the young bald eagle was one to take notice of,
we don't normally have bald eagles here........
He had much to share, another story for another day. 
I have gratefully embraced his messages.

On this day in June, I needed to move the stones that circle the fire ring. 

These stones are nearly hidden by the tall grasses.

As I pick up each stone that is seated well upon the earth,
I know I will discover the messenger waiting there. 



butterfly pasture.....

Only four stones left, humm... even the number four could be important here...



I find him coiled and without fright we looked at each other.  I understand his

message of transformation, the shedding of the old, the past.  He acknowledged

my cleansing and my journey to embrace a new chapter in my life.

We both paused and looked calmly at one other, message received and 

so he quietly took his leave into the tall grasses. 

Thank you my snake friend, as I offer some tobacco for his gift.





I Wanna' "Do Over"

Redbuds blooming.....

I wanna go back to bed and start the day again!  Who would have guessed when I awoke to sparkling sunshine it would be such a challenging day.  First and probably the worst was having a 9am appointment to have the car serviced.  I have no one to blame but myself, I made the appointment, I wanted to get my running done in the morning.  I'd planned on a trip to the grocery afterwards. 

Who would have thought there would be three cars ahead of me when I pulled into line at the dealership!  Strangely enough it took less time than normally, so you never really know..........  I'm getting the car ready for a trip to Florida!  Musical Echoes, here we come!

On my way to get groceries, I thought a little stop at my favorite bookstore would be in order, after all I am still going to get groceries way earlier than originally planned, I have time.  Just stepping into my favorite bookstore gave me an instant "high".  My nostrils quickly inhaled the wonderful smell of coffee, I don't even need to drink it to get my "fix".  Heavenly!  Then of course there are the books.  I LOVE books!  I made it out with only four books and no coffee.   Woohoo, on to the grocery. 

Then it happened, the first snag in my plans, I get to the car with my precious books and start looking for my key.  Guess where I found it?  Inside my locked car.  This is where things start going down hill quickly!  I remember that I dropped AAA when they wouldn't come and rescue me from the side of the road a couple years previous.  They couldn't send a tow truck when I couldn't give them an exact address of my location.  I was sitting along a major state highway between two corn fields, no street address here!  My wonderful husband saved me that day.  Today, I knew he would not be happy if he had to come to my rescue when he is trying to mow before the next six days of rain come.  Fortunately my sweet daughter-in-law was home, she was just in her attic cleaning, she couldn't wait to stop cleaning to come save me!  There was nothing to do but console myself with a cup of coffee in my favorite bookstore.  It was about thirty minutes before I was on the move again, thanks to sweet Tere.

On the road again and  headed to the grocery for particular items, of course I'd forgotten my list and don't you know, it was only after I left the store I realized I'd forgotten one of the most important reasons for going.  Not going back in and walk to go to the back of the store for one item.  I'll go to a little grocery on the way home, run in and get out quickly.  What was I thinking, I go inside, get my item and of course a couple other things and wanted to pay by check.  Oh, the cashier says, "I need to see your drivers license."  I'm thinking, "Of course you do and  I left it in the car accidentally."  As it turns out I didn't save myself any time or steps, I may as well have walked to the back of the first grocery!

Finally heading home.  I decide to drive home the back way, a distraction for me to enjoy the scenery and actually appreciate the sunshine and the now blooming redbud trees.  It was so nice to feel sunshine, starting to improve my spirits somewhat.  I got home carried in the groceries and still think I wanna' "Do Over".  It would have been more fun to enjoy the entire day!

Changing Times and Time Changing......

Looking forward to these blooming......

I'm pretty sure spring is coming, because of the "clock springing forward" event, I really dislike changing time.  My clock in the living room is right again after five months of being "wrong".  I aways thought I was pretty flexible about things, this time change shows me I'm not.  I always deplored it when my kids were younger, getting them up earlier, sending them off to school.  Do children and teachers in school yearn for an afternoon nap like I do? 

The animals don't understand either.  My sleepy eyed dogs look at me when I try getting up an hour earlier after the time change.  An extra cup of coffee is needed this morning, I'm not ready to start the day.  I seem to linger longer over breakfast and morning bird watching.  Getting back my hour before moving into the day.  This will go on for awhile, gradually my mind and body make the change.

I look at this time changing thing as just another year of changing times for me and I don't really like it.  My birthday is rolling around, all too quickly it seems.  I celebrate and rejoice that I am still having birthdays and yet, I am another year older and changes keep coming.  My hair is not as dark as I think it is, sometimes I am surprised when I look in the mirror.  When I wash my hair it is really dark, when I finish fussing with it I see how grey it is!  You may remember back in August I got this bright idea to let my hair grow.  Well, it is still growing, the grey seems more obvious than ever.  Is this an illusion, I know it would have been just as grey short.

Changing times, seems to include my ability to get anything done quickly.   Am I really moving slower or is the world moving faster?  I still haven't gotten the yard cleaned up from the February first ice storm.  I have finally ask the kids to come help, it's what I want for my Birthday this year.  Everything takes longer to get done anymore.  I really don't like that!

Changing times includes losses.  The losses that hurt the heart, friends, family and critters who have made their journey to the spirit world.  I don't like this the most, it is hard to say goodbye.  Not only to those who left, but to those memories that were still a part of me because of them.  I know I still have the memories, I just don't have them to remind me of those moments we shared.  They all are greatly missed. 

Changing times brings with it the good things too.  I love being able to plan my day around the things I love doing the most, having the kids and grand kids for a visit,  working in the studio on gourds, paintings or any other whim that comes to me.  I can join friends to drum and play flutes without too many conflicts.  I can enjoy the gathered knowledge of my youth and celebrate it as wisdom now. 

Changing time has brought new discoveries into my life, nothing you can see physically, they are the things that happen inside.  A calmness has come to me in recent years.  My spirit is happy with the ability to live in the moment.  Letting go of the things that hurt so much no longer seem important.  I accept that we are all on our own journey and we are the makers of our journey.

I look forward to spring, a rebirth of all things, I look and see flowers coming up, hear the joyous songs of the birds, watch for new baby calves, lambs and foals in the farm pastures.  I know the sun is warmer and the winter wheat is green.  I know my birthday means another year of growing and learning. 

Yes, I celebrate another spring of time changing and another birthday with changing times.