Okay, this is one of those things that is on my mind today and I feel the need to explore it. For me writing about something is a way of my own self-discovery. Sometimes that isn't easy, this journey of self-discovery.
I spoke with a friend this morning. I have many friends that I share a common bond, many are women friends and there are some that are men friends. The friendship with men is not to be taken in any way, shape or form more than a friendship or I think of them like I would a "brother".
This friend means the world to me, I enjoy our conversations, many times our talks are fun and just catching up. Sometimes they explore our deep feelings about the world around us and why things are the way they are. Usually nothing is resolved, but it was talked about and shared. We share our frustrations with things that can't be easily changed, sometimes it is about the path we choose to walk and how difficult our choice or how wonderful our choice. He can say things in a way that cause me to explore my inner self a little and I would like to think that I in some way have helped him too.
As we were closing our conversation, that was rather deep and meaningful, I wanted to tell him how much it means to me that he listens and gives me his "take" on something. Sometimes it's hard to say, "I love you", I certainly don't want to be inappropriate. So I pondered this while working in the studio today.
Why is it so difficult to tell someone you love them? I can say it to my children and grandchildren and of course my wonderful husband. But to say it, when your whole heart feels it and you hesitate because you are afraid of being inappropriate, it is often left unsaid.
I have spent the last year discovering my fathers family, one that was kept from me my entire life. My heart swells with so much emotion when I think of them, I can hardly see what I type for the tears. These tears come for so many reasons. The joy in finding them and being accepted by them. The sadness for missing time with my Father, finding him and then loosing him forever. Hurt that the time has been lost and fear that I'll never get enough, now that I have found this family. This family that I love! Can anyone even understand this unless they have been there and felt the same feelings? I truly love them and find it impossible not to tell them how I feel. Afraid to leave it unsaid because so much was unsaid in my life.
My new brother and I spoke of this, last July, sitting in our fathers hospital room. I shared that I can't recall the last time my Mother told me she loved me. I'm sure she did, once, long ago. And yet I haven't felt or heard it from her in a long time. Then I find my father and will never hear it from him. I do know when his mind cleared the last day I was at his bedside and I told him that I loved him, he knew I meant it and our eyes spoke the truth to one another with love that words would never express. Why did I wait so long to find him, would we have been able to speak of "love" if he'd been healthy and well? Probably not, sometimes it's hard to say, "I love you".
One thing I have learned in this last year..... I can say "I love you". I don't say it easily, when I say it I mean it with all my being. My whole self realizes how important it is to share your heart. My whole self knows this could be my last day on this earth. Did I tell everyone who matters to me, men or women, brothers or sisters, children or even my husband that I love them? Sometimes it's hard to say............ everyday it gets easier, "I love you!"