Meandering Thoughts

Meandering Thoughts

Monday, January 30, 2012

Who Do You Think You Are?

Who am I?
Who Do You Think You Are? is a TV program that captured my attention a year ago.  The new season starts this February 3rd.  Only a year ago I began watching famous people trace their roots back to discover who their ancestors were.  Touching stories, some good, some disappointing maybe.  They never failed to bring tears to my eyes, I am one of those people that cries at Hallmark Card commercials! 

This brought other feelings forward that I had shelved for a long time and never addressed.  My birth father was not a part of my life after he divorced my mother, my brother and me.  My mother chose not to talk about our father and I guess I respected her wishes by not asking questions, you learn quickly what topics are not to be discussed. 

Then with my birthday upon me last March, at the age of 62, I knew that finding my birth father was very important to me.  Thanks to the seed planted by Who Do You Think You Are?, sponsored by  I began to wonder about my Dad.  After a few shows the roots took hold and I knew with all my heart I had to find the lost connection to my father and his family.  

It is difficult to start a family tree when you have no clue the name of your paternal grandparents .   I had heard mentioned an aunts name from long past and started my Ancestry search there, the little tree leaves began to appear.  That was then I discovered all three of my aunts had passed away.  As I began to follow the family tree possibilities, a distant cousin discovered my activity and contacted me.  From her pushing, I started making some very difficult phone calls. 

I called my father, I had tried this a few years before and it was unrewarding.  Maybe it was the shock of hearing from me for the first time in more than 50 years.  I tried again in 2011, now my Dad is almost 80 years old.   My fears were overwhelming, he was not really very easy to talk with, I wonder if he had trouble hearing me.  The most wonderful gift he gave me was the name and number of my brother Mike.  I found my fears of calling a big barrier.  Lucky for me we were both on Facebook and I made my first attempt at contact with him there.  Well, by March 25, I spoke with my brother Mike for the first time ever and I will never be the same as I was before that call.  So many discoveries have followed that conversation, my heart is still bursting with joy because we connected.

Much of this story has been blogged by me the past year, I will spare you.  A year has passed since that little seed was planted.  Finding my ancestors, my three brothers, many cousins, nieces and nephews and their children has been the most amazing journey in my life.  Bringing with it tears of sadness and tears of joy.

A full circle of seasons have brought me back to the beginning of the journey.  I marvel at the timing of this discovery and I believe that there are no accidents in life.  I think if we listen to our heart and follow our instincts we will do things as they are to be done. 

I got to be with my Dad one weekend in July, a brief connection,  to have only just found him and having to leave again, our goodbye was a forever one, we lost him only days after I left.  I see him in my dreams and someday I will see him as he greets me on the other side.  My heart is broken still at all that was lost.  Faith helps me to believe that things were as they were suppose to be, even if my heart hurts often.

Possibilities surround us......
So I begin a new year on this journey with my new family.  We have kept in touch, had visits and hugs were shared, we are forever connected.  I am very lucky to have been accepted and loved with no reservations, I return the feelings a hundred fold.  I no longer wonder "Who do I think I am?"  Questions have been answered, dreams have come true and the future is open to all possibilities. 

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Art is My Passion

Paint Pony, 2012
Art is a passion of mine, I find myself out of sorts if I have been away from the studio too long.  When I go to the studio, I can close everything else out, I totally am lost in creating.  My life is art.

I have been painting again, it seems I go through phases of painting.  I have found winter and spring to be the time I do most of my paintings and the gourd work happens throughout the summer and fall. 

I have talked with another artist friend recently, we talked about our paintings and our feelings about them.  We are both "untrained" in the traditional sense.  What comes from our work is unexpected and an expression of ourselves.  It has little to do with the classroom instruction, more from what is inside us.  It is the way we see things.  Many times our art is a total surprise to even us, we don't always start the background of a canvas with a plan.  I find that interesting.....  it is something else that begins to form, to develop and evolve.  It comes from no plan in my brain, it is as much a surprise to me as finding out I could paint. 

Native American Flute
Maybe I can explain this in another way.  Music is also my passion, an art.   I play the Native American Flute.  I have no musical training, can't read music, have trouble with rhythm, and certainly can't carry a tune.  And yet, when I found that very first note on the humble wooden flute, my heart began to sing.  I'd found a way to express music that had been bottled up inside me and I played and played. 

Of course as with my paintings, my music wasn't always great.  Never the less it became the outlet for my heart and my spirit, all a journey in following our passion.  I have taken a few lessons from accomplished artists and flute players.  They have given me tools to enhance my skills.  The best part, they haven't tried to change my art, they have allowed me to express myself, good or bad. 

The joy in all of this is when others buy my paintings and tell me they feel the spirit in which it was created.  Or they ask me to play my flute, knowing the song is new and for only that moment in time.  Both coming from my heart, from my spirit, a breathe in time........... my passion is Art.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Recovery January 10th, 2012

I am now five weeks out from bi-lateral knee replacement surgery.  I am happy it seems to be going so fast, goodness knows where December went.  I am going to therapy three times a week.  I don't like it and yet I know it is necessary.  I just want to be past all of this painful stretching and get on with my life!

I have found that the comfy lounge chair is not as comfortable as it was only a week ago.  I hate sitting...........   I want to do something!  My endurance is better, I find myself up longer at a time and I am walking with a cane.  Although my Physical Therapist took it away from me yesterday!  My balance is still a little bit of a challenge, it did show me that I don't need it all the time.  So I guess I am making progress.

I have managed to get in and out of the waterbed.  My greatest joy is sleeping in the waterbed again.  It ranks right up there with my first shower after surgery.  Sleeping in the waterbed was a bit of a challenge, four pillows for me, two for Richard and our little dog all in the waterbed with Richard and I was a problem.  So Richard has taken to sleeping in the double bed they moved to the living room for me.  We are both getting better sleep now. 

Wonderful Husband washing windows
This morning I decided I needed to make some daily goals, my need to accomplish something useful!  Now I am not sure this is something everyone would find necessary to do while recovering from two knee replacements.  I just had to get the windows washed outside!!!!   This was something I wanted to do before surgery and I ran out of time.  Today I gathered up my paper towels, the window cleaner and my window washer tool for the high windows.  I stumbled my way around the front of the house and began washing windows!  Richard was afraid to leave before I finished so I managed to get him to wash the windows with the most growth around them.  He wasn't happy, he doesn't do windows.  As with everything during my recovery at home, he did it for me and hardly complained at all.  He has gone above and beyond for me and I am so grateful.  He wins Husband of the Year!!!!

Now what my future goals for each day remain to be seen.  I will have to discover them as I move about the house.  I know the studio is on my list and I think a ride in the gator around the fields is calling me today.  It is rare to have such warmth and sunshine in January and I know I must get out to enjoy it!  This is all part of my recovery, it fills my spirit with joy and that is part of healing too. 

Blessings to all who have sent prayers and good wishes.  I am filled with gratitude.