Life Has Changed....

 I am sitting here, trying to put into words how our lives have changed.  I have found throughout my life that writing it down brings some perspective.  It doesn't change things physically, but it will bring an understanding of what I am dealing with.

Wonderful Hubby developed an eye issue, in January, of 2024, that turned out to be a one in a million shot of getting this.  It's an inflammation of the third cranial nerve, creating double vision and blurred vision.   He was diagnosed with Tolosa- Hunt Syndrome by a blood test and confirmation with an MRI.  He was seen by a neurologist and prescribed 60 mg of steroids a day.  That totally fouls up glucose numbers.  So, for three weeks we battled double vision and high glucose numbers.  

Then he began to experience other issues, numbness in his left hand.  Even after seeing a neurologist and family doctor, no one thought he was having Transient Ischemic Attach.  Then on Saturday, February 24th he had a stroke while sitting at the table eating with Emily and me.  We immediately called the squad, and he was taken to the hospital.  Home and second stroke happened March 12th.  Squad called again.  It was determined he needed Carotid Artery Surgery.   The morning before the time he was to report to the hospital he got some intestinal issue that had him up and down all night running to the bathroom.  He became so weak that I called Debbie Krajicek to come and tell me what I needed to do.  We again called the squad!

By the time he was admitted, he was feeling better.  But they kept him, surgery the next morning.  All the kids and I waited to hear that the surgery went well.  Instead, we find that he needed three stents in a heart artery, after crashing on the operating table before Carotid Artery Surgery.  Three stents were put in and another will need to be done in a month.

Carotid Artery finally happened on March 26th, he 98% blocked.  Most go home the following day after surgery.  But Richard didn't, he developed a hemorrhage, from a small bleed after surgery.  Then the worst happened!  He developed a blood infection, which is basically sepsis.  He had the most extreme response with the bacteria settling in the back of his neck in spine.  I seriously have never seen anyone in such pain that lasted for days.  

If you are counting, he has Tolosa -Hunt Syndrome, vision issues from the strokes, Two Strokes, 3 stents, a hematoma, sepsis, and some other virus that caused coughing for weeks.   He spent a month in the hospital trying to recover, meanwhile his high heartrate was preventing him from doing physical therapy and so he was losing muscle by the day.  Because they wanted him to go home or into therapy, they put him on amiodarone, and it did regulate his heartrate.  He went to Acute Physical Therapy at Mercy Hospital in Springfield.  He was doing great; every day he was proud of the number of steps he could take using a walker.  After thirteen days he got to come home.  

It was good having him home.  But it wasn't easy, juggling medications, giving antibiotics every eight hours through an inline port, trying to fix foods that didn't spike his glucose numbers.  His first week home was good, he was able to get up at night to go to the bathroom with the walker, I felt we could do this. After a week home, he stopped thriving.  He didn't want to do any extra activity, he seemed weaker, and color was off.  A physical therapist came to evaluate his plan for home therapy, and he questioned his jaundice color.  Calling the doctor's office at three in the afternoon on a Friday is impossible, a nurse finally responded, and she said to take him to ER.  It was determined that his liver and kidneys were very sick because of the amiodarone and the antibiotics.  This was another abnormal response from most people taking these drugs.

Another month in the hospital, seven dialysis treatments, MRI's, blood draws and checking the liver numbers.  Again, his heartrate is so high that he has absolutely no physical therapy, more muscle loss was even greater.  Finally, they decided to do a pacemaker.  His pacemaker was state of the art, a battery powered "bullet" that was inserted via the groin vein, into the heart.  A 15-year battery and could be remotely controlled.  (Amazing technology) They needed to have his heartrate under control because they want to get him out of the hospital.  

We could only get him into Friends Rehab Nursing Home, in Yellow Springs.  At first, he liked it there and really liked the staff.  As always chatted with all of them and asking questions and being his charming self.  Then he complained more about his stomach (which he has been describing as indigestion for a while now, popping Tums and mints.)  He had gotten so very weak and couldn't even sit on the side of the bed.  He couldn't roll over on his own, and about the only thing he would do is feed himself but allowed you to feed him if you would.  He was using a bedpan and urinal with aides help.

After almost a week at Friends. he complained more about his stomach, we were baffled.  Then I got a call that he was bleeding and because of all the blood thinners he was on he needed to be rushed to the hospital.  He was diagnosed with diverticula, which had ruptured and caused a small leak.  His body just isn't recovering, his respirations is struggling, his lungs are accumulating fluid, he was ask if he wanted to be intubated and he said, "Do what you have to do."  I couldn't believe he agreed to that.  He was moved to ICU and he couldn't talk.  He was miserable.   His heart was failing.  

I'd ask him if he was done with this struggle, he nodded yes.  With tears and hearts breaking, the kids and I started palliative care and then hospice.  And so, the intubation tube was removed. We spent the day at his bedside.  Ryan spent some quite time with him and then went home.  The girls and I debated about staying or leaving.  We stayed, the nurse found three recliners for his ICU room and after hours of keeping watch, we fell into a light sleep.  At about 2:30 AM the nurse came in to say he was at the end. We were at his side when he took his last breath, July 15th, 2024.  Our lives have changed forever.

Six Months, Life of Our Family

My previous post was an accounting of what Richard endured during his time in the hospital.  But now I want to account for the strength of our little family and how they were always there for me and their father.  I want to mention the numerous friends that came to visit, as well.

After Richard had his first two surgeries, the stents and Carotid Artery surgery, he developed ICU hallucinations, and fear of people coming into his room at all hours, so it began, we took turns spending the night.  The kids took turns sleeping at the hospital and then going to work in the morning.  I would come in during the day to sit and keep Richard company.  Sometimes 10 hours a day.  It was all so exhausting.  I mentioned this Richard a couple of times; I wondered if he would have been that diligent if roles had been reversed.  He assured me he would have, but I'm not so sure, there would have been Tuesday and Thursday shop nights, weekend shoots in Friendship, Indiana, and whatever else.  I probably shouldn't have questioned it, I know from past events, it would have been something important that would keep him away.  Nevertheless, I never doubted his devotion to me.  He showed it every day when he was home and healthy.  He would start my car on a cold morning, he would fix my coffee every morning and bring it to me.  He always made sure there was gas in the gator and take the car for oil changes, he would drop me off at a door and then park the car, causing him to walk further.  He would do all the sweet things a wonderful husband would do.  But sit in a hospital 10 hours a day so that I wasn't alone, I don't think so.  We continued overnights throughout his first month in the hospital.  When he went to Springfield Acute Rehab, we stopped spending the night.  He did fine with that.  It was only after he went into ICU at the end did the overnight stays began again. 

Richard was blessed with friends that would come and visit.  His Ag Teacher friends, his gun buddies, his shop friends, and of course family.  Early on he talked on the phone with friends that couldn't visit.  He chatted with the doctors, nurses, and cleaning staff, engaging them in conversations.  Everyone was kind and helpful.  Richard would shake their hands, and his friends were assured that he was "humbled and grateful" for their friendship.

I was also grateful, having his friends help me get the mower out for spring yard work.  Even going so far as getting tires fixed that were flat and filling the gas cans and whatever else needed done.  Trisha and Emily were also very attentive.  Helping wherever I needed and keeping up with all the doctors and relating information if I wasn't at the hospital.  I swear, every patient needs an advocate to help understand the procedures and question everything happening.  Mostly the nurses would answer questions and request doctors to explain things to us. 

It was a hard time for all of us and yet, we wouldn't have done it any differently.  We still would have been there for hours, often just watching him sleep.  He loved Trisha's foot rubs.  We celebrated our 55th Wedding Anniversary with family gathered.  We had a cake and made it a celebration.  I sometimes brought art in to work on and I would give nurses, cleaning staff or whoever touched us with kindness a piece of my artwork as a thank you.  We truly were blessed by many kind people trying to make Richard comfortable. 

It's hard to believe we lived through six months of this hell.  The next six months may not be any easier.  We lost this wonderful man, on July 15th, 2024.  Our hearts will hurt forever.  

It was a long six months of juggling our lives to be there for this wonderful person we called Dad and Husband.  We missed spring and summer; our lives were on hold and in prayer.  We evaluated this new stage of our lives, getting older and how to deal with it.  A reality check, for sure.

Now we are without our center, our leader, the man we could always count on to bring a perspective of level headedness and kindness.  I lost my life partner, my love and my other half.  This is very hard.

It's Hard, Widowhood....

After the passing of my wonderful husband, my high school sweetheart, my partner for Fifty-Five years, I felt the emptiness in my heart and home.  

Shortly after his passing the calls, cards and our kids were a source of comfort and attention.   In September, Ryan moved in, his house sold after his divorce and until he found new residence, he moved in with me.  During September, Dick Hines and Gary Brown started helping me move and eliminate the small engine collection that filled the barn.  

In October, Emily had her ankle fused and was non-weight bearing for three months.  So, during this time, my life focused on them, plus Trisha's children were participating in sports and we were trying to get to games.  Plus, I developed Afib again, sometime in late October.   I felt like crap before they did an atrial fibrillation and got my heart on track again.

You might say I was under some stress.  I had everyone here for Thanksgiving, Ryan smoked turkey and Trisha and I fixed everything else.   

December comes, I decided not to decorate, and we went to Trisha's for Christmas day.  Meanwhile, we are all missing an important link in our family.  Richard was still being missed but I didn't feel I had time to breathe, let alone greave.  

Things always work in ways that are often unexpected.   Our neighbors, Jon and Rita Wilkinson were having health issues and their daughter moved them to Lexington, Kentucky.   Ryan was given the opportunity to buy the log cabin they owned, and he moved in on January 20th.  

Emily's needs were doctor's appointments and a few household things.  Not much in the big scheme of things.  

Meanwhile, during all this time, I'm trying to clean some areas in the house.  Recognizing with everything I removed, gave away or sold, means I had emotional grieving and guilt about eliminating parts of my wonderful hubby.   Tears came at unexpected times, a song, taking the car for an oil change, going to the license bureau and purchasing tags for everything, this was his job, not mine!

Am I angry he's gone?  Yes, sometimes I am.  Do I feel guilty he's gone, could I have done more?  Did he know how much I cared and wanted him to be well?  Did he know I loved him?

So, as usual I'm meandering.   This was supposed to be about dreams.  I guess I had to share all of the above, so you would know, I didn't have time to dream or at least remember them.  

In January, I finally remembered a couple dreams, both were to include crowds, no one I remember but in both dreams, Richard and I were there together but in separate places and I was looking for him in the crowd.   I was not stressed at not seeing him, but I was looking. I never found him in those two dreams.

Then I dreamed in February, we were in the hospital, Richard had passed, because we had notified his friends.   Then all of a sudden, Richard sat up and ask for his robe (the plaid one from home), he got out of bed and was walking, wanting to get on with things.  Dave Oldiges was there and said, "You told me he passed."  

The dream ended there, but, my interpretation, Richard was showing me he was fine now, strong, moving again and getting on with his journey. 

My next dream happened February 9th, 2025.  It brings tears to my eyes just remembering. 

He and I were back in an adult trade school situation.   We broke up, like high school boyfriend/girlfriend situation.   My heart was broken, and I missed him, I was so lonesome for him.  I was determined to somehow cross paths with him and fix whatever happened.   Suddenly, the alarms were going off and everyone was scrambling.  I was looking for my shoes and then I couldn't find my purse.   I began to panic and suddenly he was there, asking me what was wrong, and I told him I couldn't find my purse.   He put his arm around me, and was helping me look.  I remember snuggling into him and hugging him, it was wonderful to feel his hug.  I awoke crying and have pretty much cried all morning. 

I think he was trying to comfort me, through my dream.  But this moment, I only miss him more. 

It is still hard.