Shortly after his passing the calls, cards and our kids were a source of comfort and attention. In September, Ryan moved in, his house sold after his divorce and until he found new residence, he moved in with me. During September, Dick Hines and Gary Brown started helping me move and eliminate the small engine collection that filled the barn.
In October, Emily had her ankle fused and was non-weight bearing for three months. So, during this time, my life focused on them, plus Trisha's children were participating in sports and we were trying to get to games. Plus, I developed Afib again, sometime in late October. I felt like crap before they did an atrial fibrillation and got my heart on track again.
You might say I was under some stress. I had everyone here for Thanksgiving, Ryan smoked turkey and Trisha and I fixed everything else.
December comes, I decided not to decorate, and we went to Trisha's for Christmas day. Meanwhile, we are all missing an important link in our family. Richard was still being missed but I didn't feel I had time to breathe, let alone greave.
Things always work in ways that are often unexpected. Our neighbors, Jon and Rita Wilkinson were having health issues and their daughter moved them to Lexington, Kentucky. Ryan was given the opportunity to buy the log cabin they owned, and he moved in on January 20th.
Emily's needs were doctor's appointments and a few household things. Not much in the big scheme of things.
Meanwhile, during all this time, I'm trying to clean some areas in the house. Recognizing with everything I removed, gave away or sold, means I had emotional grieving and guilt about eliminating parts of my wonderful hubby. Tears came at unexpected times, a song, taking the car for an oil change, going to the license bureau and purchasing tags for everything, this was his job, not mine!
Am I angry he's gone? Yes, sometimes I am. Do I feel guilty he's gone, could I have done more? Did he know how much I cared and wanted him to be well? Did he know I loved him?
So, as usual I'm meandering. This was supposed to be about dreams. I guess I had to share all of the above, so you would know, I didn't have time to dream or at least remember them.
In January, I finally remembered a couple dreams, both were to include crowds, no one I remember but in both dreams, Richard and I were there together but in separate places and I was looking for him in the crowd. I was not stressed at not seeing him, but I was looking. I never found him in those two dreams.
Then I dreamed in February, we were in the hospital, Richard had passed, because we had notified his friends. Then all of a sudden, Richard sat up and ask for his robe (the plaid one from home), he got out of bed and was walking, wanting to get on with things. Dave Oldiges was there and said, "You told me he passed."
The dream ended there, but, my interpretation, Richard was showing me he was fine now, strong, moving again and getting on with his journey.
My next dream happened February 9th, 2025. It brings tears to my eyes just remembering.
He and I were back in an adult trade school situation. We broke up, like high school boyfriend/girlfriend situation. My heart was broken, and I missed him, I was so lonesome for him. I was determined to somehow cross paths with him and fix whatever happened. Suddenly, the alarms were going off and everyone was scrambling. I was looking for my shoes and then I couldn't find my purse. I began to panic and suddenly he was there, asking me what was wrong, and I told him I couldn't find my purse. He put his arm around me, and was helping me look. I remember snuggling into him and hugging him, it was wonderful to feel his hug. I awoke crying and have pretty much cried all morning.
I think he was trying to comfort me, through my dream. But this moment, I only miss him more.
It is still hard.
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