Meandering Thoughts

Meandering Thoughts

Monday, February 7, 2011

Skipping Across Stepping Stones

My wonderful husband and I........

Getting close to my Birthday again, well, it's still over a month away.  My wonderful husband's birthday was in January.  It has given me some cause to think about our ability to cope with this aging thing.  It seems the older we get the more we realize that these dates are just more stepping stones toward being a little less able to do what we once took great pride in being able to do.  Those stepping stones are a little more slippery and have had some ice on them this winter.

I spoke with my daughter the other day, bless her heart, she ask that we be careful on the ice, she worries about us, "now that we are getting older."  We both laughed, I knew she was just expressing her concern, she (we) don't want to be falling and hurting ourselves. 

Last week we had some ice, causing branches to break and fall from our trees.  Not just little stuff, big limbs.  The yard is a mess.  We will have to clean it up and we will in time.  Richard has been out with the chain saw cutting up the big pieces.  He comes in to take a break, using a chain saw isn't as easy as it once was, I'm glad he is doing it in stages.  It shows me something that I haven't noticed or maybe choose not to notice.  It takes him longer to get things done than it used to, I thought it was just me.  Physical work is a big part of who he is.  It is hard to acknowledge that it's not as easy as it used to be for him to do this kind of work.  Don't get me wrong, our kids would be here helping, if Richard would ask for help.  He just thinks he'll do this little part and that little bit and then he'll be ready when he calls them to come help.

I have come to terms, maybe, that I can't do what I used to do.  Doing physical things was the makeup of my life.  I am not as active because of my knees and yet, I bulk at knee replacement.   I know this makes no sense at all!  Push is coming to shove though, I don't like being so inactive.  I don't like that I'm not out there helping clean up the branches.  I used to pull my own weight 
when it came to working outside.  I was a farm girl!  I worked in the hay mow and helped unload the wagons.  I haven't done this for a long time now, it is not easy watching Richard still doing it, I feel I'm not doing my part, that is hard for me.  They are my horses that need the hay afterall.

Richard has taken to doing the chores morning and night.  It's just feeding the cats, dogs and horses.  It doesn't take fifteen minutes, unless you have to run water.  Moving hay is not as easy as it once was.  We have ways of making it easier, the gator is our major tool of convenience.  I can do the chores, it's just been easier to let my wonderful husband do them.  I am so lucky to have such a special man to grow old with.

One of the things that has caused us to look at the change in our once invincible bodies, Richard finally got hearing aides this winter.  He is not happy about them, there is an inconvenience to hearing, putting them in or taking them out, turning them up or down.   He doesn't like hearing noises that he hasn't heard for a long time; the heater on the car, clanking of dishes, the dishwasher running, background stuff that he'd not heard in years, he's forgotten how to tune them out, can you do that with hear aides?  Now I never know if I have to talk normally or loudly, it depends on if he chooses to wear them or not.  I find this exasperating, was it better to just talk loudly all the time?

It seems that many things have changed gradually, we don't eat as much as we once did, we don't move as quickly, we need glasses, we take blood pressure medicine, we don't understand all the new technology in TV, computers or phones (or why you need to text).  We can't seem to stay awake while watching TV and sometimes an afternoon nap is lovely. 

The worst part of all this, our minds still think young.  I remember trying to quickly get out of a chair to help someone, oh I got up quickly and then couldn't take a step, my body promptly reminded me to pause before taking that step or maybe my knee wouldn't be ready.  I hate not working in my gardens, what was I thinking when I was younger?  I miss riding horses with all my heart.  Horses have been my favorite mode of transportation since I was a kid.  I loved riding in a deep woods, crossing knee deep streams, racing around an open pastures.......  It never occurred to me I wouldn't be able to ride someday.  I really miss going into a deep woods now, with all my heart and soul I miss that.  I love the trees, the smell of a leaf covered forest, riding under snow laden pines or just sitting and hearing the quiet in the forest.  It is a place my mind will never forget, I can close my eyes and be there anytime.  It' not exactly the same as sitting on the back of a horse.

Just for this moment I will shed a tear for my lost youth and all the joys of being young.  And now I will embrace and remember the joys that are mine today.  A wonderful husband and children who love and care for me.  I have found art at a late age, an exchange for not riding horses maybe?  I have the Native American flute and music fills something inside me, like never before in my life.  I have the most AMAZING friends, ones that love me just as I am and I couldn't ask for more. 

I have found some wisdom in this journey of skipping across those stepping stones.  I have found a Spiritual path is inside you and it has nothing to do with religion.  I am more respectful of all things that share the earth and I know we are all related.  What we choose to do has an impact on everything we touch, the ripples continue outward.  That must be what my ancestors before me came to understand and accept, I wish they had shared their story in writing too.  


  1. How sweet! ...expressing love, joy, loss, longing... I am so glad that you publish all of this. For all of us... and especially your kids. Thanks, Cindy! CD

  2. Hey Cynthia... I needed this. Beautiful writing!
    So to become honest open and vulnerable is a gift to the world. This is the wisdom of the North Winds....this is the wisdom I am trying to connect to as I sit inside these cold days and know that it is more than the winter snow keeping me from moving. I am growing older.