Meandering Thoughts

Meandering Thoughts

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Ancestors Gathered

So much has happened, keeping me away from the world of blogging.  My focus has been on family, the one that was never a part of my life.  I understand better now the reasons for this disconnect and know it is not my baggage, things happened long ago that really have nothing to do with me.  It is what it is and that is all.

Not knowing my birth Fathers family is loss to me and it can't be fixed.  I do know,  I would change nothing about my life.  My brother and I were in the care of a young and struggling mother, who provided the best possible care.  We grew up with an amazing step father, I looked at him as my Dad.  I honor them both, they are the reason I am who I am today.  I grew up learning to be responsible, independent, and strong, not so unlike my Mother and Dad who raised me, my brother and my sister. 

I look at my life as a wife and mother, I learned life skills well, I cooked, sewed for my family, I gardened, and love my family and to those around me.  As I journeyed through adulthood, running kids to school events, living on a farm with critters to care for and being involved in other outside activities, I didn't think often about the father I never knew, I was living my life.

I'm in my sixties now, the children grew up and are living their life with their children.  I know I have been blessed, our children are wonderful, they are also responsible, independent and strong.  They too are loving and caring, something I hope they learned before leaving home.  We have wonderful grandchildren that we see as often as every ones schedules will allow.  It is ALL good and amazing.

At this stage in my life, I began to wonder about my birth father and his family.  I didn't have much information, it seemed to be something "not talked about".  I feared asking, wanting not to hurt anyone, wanting not to show any disrespect.   I started doing a little searching.  It didn't take long, a door was opened and there was no way to close it, as information about my DeRemer ancestors tumbled out, the more I learned the more I wanted to know. 

Not only did I discover the ones who are no longer of this world.  I found the ones that are here now!  I spoke a couple times to my birth father by phone, it was not very rewarding, his hearing wasn't good and I am sure it was rather shocking to him to hear from me.  He had just turned 80 at the end of May.  I don't know exactly what I expected from this man that hadn't been in my life since I was small.  I do know that I longed for something, to be acknowledged, accepted and maybe even to know I was loved........  Doesn't everyone want that?

Maybe the greatest gift my father gave to me was the name and phone number of his oldest son from his second marriage.  I learned that I had a brother and I knew his name, calling him was another matter, my insecurities were showing.  How would he feel about me, did he know of me, what would he think?

My saving grace was contacting him on Facebook, no personal phone call, I could not handle that possible rejection, I could not think about how to talk to this stranger who was my brother........
Well, the rest is history, written about in an earlier blog, my heart has never been happier for meeting my brother Mike.

I know I am meandering a little and will now to get back to the Ancestors Gathering..... 

My brother Mike called me on July 16th to tell me our Dad, whom I haven't seen in more than 50 years, has had a stroke.  My logical brain said, "Okay, they are in Texas, I'm in Ohio, I may never get to hear my father speak to me, there is nothing I can do."  In a day my heart began to speak, even yelled at me, "You must go to Texas, now!".   Thankfully my brain listened to my heart and I called Mike to tell him I needed to come to Texas.  He ask me when I was coming....  I will be forever grateful for his response.

I was blessed to spend three days with my three Texas brothers, Mike, Mark and Mitch, at our Dad's bedside.  It was wonderful to see their tender loving way with our Dad.  I am so grateful by their acceptance and love they shared toward me.  The gifts of those three days cannot be measured, it changed my life, I will never be the same person I was before that trip to Texas. 

I left Texas with a heavy heart, I knew I had to come home.  My friend and I played flute prayers for my Ohio family and my Texas family the morning I left for Ohio.  With my eyes closed the tears streamed down my cheeks.  I saw the ancestors gathering, they were in a large group, looking toward my left, there was someone closer to the bottom of this "picture", I knew it to be the one helping our Dad make his journey into the spirit world.  Even though I did not "know" these people on earth, I knew my Aunt was helping and my Grandmother stood out in the crowd of ancestors, waiting to greet her son and our Dad with such joy.  Our Dad died on July 28, 2011.

Stephen Guy DeRemer  ~1931 - 2011~
Graveside services were held at Ft. Sam National Cemetery, in San Antonio, Texas on August 3, 2011.  Full military honors were performed that morning on August 3rd as the family gathered around. 

There is something about this little story, it is all about "Divine Timing".  Everything happened just as it was suppose to, everything came at the moment it was suppose to come, only to prepare the way for the next "moment".  It is only when it is over that we see all the connections, a big web, each strand important to last and the next.   My heart cries that it took so long and yet, I would have changed nothing.  The good and the bad of it all these events brings balance, acceptance and a heart filled with love.   I am grateful and blessed.


  1. We have also been blessed with meeting your lovely husband and gracious children. You and Richard have most certainly raised remarkable children who in turn are passing your strong family values on to their kids. We loved every one of them. They took the time to come together for their mother who wanted to share her new found brother. We can't wait to come back and see all of you again!

    Love, Mike and Jeanne

  2. I'm so glad you were there. Mike

  3. Iam, all at the same time, so happy for you that my heart wants to burst open! ... and so sad about all the possibilities missed. But KNOWING fully that you are so right about Divine Timing! Struggling against it is futile and frustrating. ...and totally a choice. You are indeed blessed, my friend! love and hugs... Carol D