Meandering Thoughts

Meandering Thoughts

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Spring Shedding

It's not easy discussing your in-securities in a blog.  Oh, we all have them.   Alas, it is a part of who we are, we don't usually share them with the world.  When I was young, school age, I believe I was very shy.  I remember being afraid of my teachers, trying to hide in the classroom.  Fearing that I wouldn't know the answer when called upon.  I tend to panic when put on the spot.  That is still a problem today.  I have learned to just laugh at myself.   Admitting  that I don't know the answer or that I have serious trouble keeping the drum beat when playing my Native American style flute.  It makes my life easier.  Maybe I am overcoming some insecurities, maybe not.

Don't even ask me give a speech to a crowd, I don't seem to have a talent to memorize things.  I panic when I see people looking and waiting for me to begin, anything I might have remembered has escaped.  Taking tests in school was very difficult.   I could have notes about the speech and wouldn't be able to read them.  Something happens to my eyes, they blur, the words run together.  Is this normal?

Interestingly enough, I can talk to a group.  The things I talk about are things I am comfortable with, I could talk gourds all day if you were interested.   Oh, did I mention I love everything about the Native American Flute and could share and encourage anyone to try it.  And horses, oh I so love talking about horses and the thrills of racing down some wooded trail!  Someone who hears me talking about these things would never guess about the terrors I harbor.

I think some of my insecurities come from my need to just be casual.  I am not a formal kind of girl.  I don't often dress up, I don't need pretty clothes to create artwork or live on a farm.  I hate to shop and never seem to have anything to wear.  I am happy in black pants, probably a black shirt and comfortable shoes.  I am trying to stay invisible.  Now spring is coming and I fear I cannot wear black all summer.  I must think about short sleeve shirts and sandals.  I'm in a panic, I have to shed my old winter clothes for something lighter. I'm feeling exposed and insecure again.  I think of myself as a snake shedding my old skin.  I wonder if snakes fear this transformation too.....

Photo:  Me riding a pony at the fair, all dressed up!  5yrs. old.   LOL


  1. Trying to be invisible... Now that's a topic we can all relate to...

    I think my mom would have wished I'd be invisible at times, but my rebellious and irrepressible spirit finally won out! There are still times, tho when I don't want to be totally "out there". It's scary not knowing what other people will do with the information they have about you. Guess I just have to learn that "they" just don't matter as much as the people who really do love you! me!!!! LOL

    Quote: "Family are the people who ACT like it!" I Love my family!!! The rest... well...

    Carol D

  2. I know exactly what you are talking about Carol. There is the family you are born into, go or bad. Then there is the "family" you choose to be with. Glad to have you as a part of my family! Love ya!